Now, for the first time many years, I am trying to confront my emotions. I have been running from them for so many years and now It seems that I can no longer hide from them. Quite frankly I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I know that it already hurts.
My only comfort, and it is only slight, is that I believe that whatever happens, God will be there. But I sense that he will not spare me from the coming pain.
The scariest part is that I don’t even know what’s coming. I have no idea what I will have to face. There are parts inside me that if not dead already, are nearly so. Parts of my soul that have been abused, neglected and forgotten. I sense that those parts are coming back and demanding that I give them proper attention lest they drag all of me down forever. An ultimatum saying, “either revive us or you die too”.
Last night as I read I stumbled upon this verse. Proverbs 9:17-18. It reminded me of a dark, dark place. A dirty, mind numbing, heart killing place where no one would want to be. Yet some of us are there anyway. Is it our fault we are here, in this place where the soul goes to die? Yes. Yes it is. But we are not the only one to blame. We were led astray. Because we lacked wisdom, we answered the invitation into a place that was decievingly appetizing yet devilishly torturous.
“‘Let all who are simple come to my house!’ To those who have no sense she says, ‘Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!'” (Romans 9-17 NIV)
As mindless servants we entered, hoping for a taste of that precious morsel we were salivating over. And while at first it was very sweet indeed, seconds later we vomited. Because of our simpleness, our tongue quickly forgot the unsatisfactory taste and again desired the abundance before our eyes. There we remained. Trapped. Returning again and again to the very thing that’s slaying us.
“But little do they know that the dead are there, that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead.” (Romans 9-18 NIV)
Take some time to think of what the place in Romans 9-18 above looks like and realize that many of us are flirting too closely with it.
Nothing else I can say is more fitting at the moment. This video says it all for me. I need strength.
Tonight as I am burdened with thoughts that will not go away, I turn my gaze to the Lord’s word. I thumb through the multitude of pages looking for something. What I find is this:
“Hear me, my God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the enemy.” (Psalm 64:1 NIV)
I need God’s protection to keep my heart from failing. My gaze has not been on Him these past few weeks and I have allowed other idols to take control over my heart. This is the enemy lurking…this is danger.
So my prayer tonight, my sovereign King, is please protect my heart, my soul, my life from the destructive wiles of the enemy. Bring my heart back into obedience. I need you.
I was over at my mom’s house the other night sitting outside on the back patio having a deep discussion about God. While sitting next to each other and just before I was about to show her some of the draft posts I have been working on for this blog, she shared the following with me. It is something that could have come straight from my pen. We are so much alike. These words are awesome!
If you knew me
You would know that I am almost undone
Overshadowed with fear, regret, longing and uncertainty
I saw my hands tremble today and wondered if this was the moment that I wold loose my senses
So many words to speak
So many thoughts to speak and quiet, in silence
Praying for forgiveness and a new direction and yet still wanting to travel the same path
Relieved for prayers answered but not wanted
Not wanted yet wanted
Where is my courage
What is my desire
Words that can’t be spoken
Thoughts that can’t be shared
Feelings that are hidden and can’t be explained
On my knees and to the mountain
Only God can deliver me from this pain in my heart and spirit